Recovery
by Syd the Tired
Summary: Harry muses over the trials that he and Ron have gone though. Sequel to Loneliness that Noone Knows and After Hogwarts. SLASH H/R.


I was thinking the other day about some common misconceptions about depression and how often they are used in fics. You are most likely thinking, "What gives this girl the right to get on her high horse about the subject". It's a 'been there done that and have the pill bottles to prove it. I don't mean to presumptuous or snotty, so please don't take it that way. This story arose in my brain. Dedicated to my big sissy- she helped me with it. It's nice to be good friends with someone who graduated with her degree in psych. This is a monologue in Harry's mind.  
  
Sydney's lil' note: Any grammatical errors are supposed to be there. Do we think with correct grammar? I doubt it. ^_^  
  
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You have beautiful hair. It's shiny, bright and full of life. It also comes in handy when trying to find you in large crowds- as long as those crowds are not made out of your family. During the horrible months that you were sick, yes, it is a sickness the shine wasn't there. Your hair gradually got brighter and brighter until it was almost as red and vibrant as when I met you.  
  
That was a horrible time. We were all so worried about you. Everyday you seemed to take two steps forward then three steps back. With all the support behind you, though, I had no worries about you getting well.  
  
Some people made me so angry. They said that you really had no right to depressed. That you had really had no hardships in life. You had family that loved you, dozens of friends, why did you get depressed. Some even said that you were trying to get attention for yourself.  
  
All the people who said that were wizard born though. The muggle-born and those like me that had grown up around muggles realize that is not true at all. Muggles really do know more about the human brain than witches and wizards do. Wizards don't have the patience that muggles do. They think that they can just wave a wand and everything will be fixed.  
  
That isn't so with the mind. It takes time and persistence to fix the mind. You have to change preconceived notions and decided exactly what is causing depression to get rid of it. Your parents took you to the squib. um magically challenged daughter of a friend of theirs. She would be able to understand both the magical and non-magical parts of your life.  
  
She explained to me that depression isn't caused by what happens in life. Well, not entirely. She said that people have predisposition; that it is in there genes. She tried to tell you about genes. but having never had a muggle education you really didn't understand. She said that events in life could trip this predisposition. Then you were depressed.  
  
The two of you talked about everything. How you didn't think that your mother loved you. How you thought that your life could not really have meaning. How you felt that the only thing that you were good at was chess and that you could not exactly live off chess. How you thought that the only thing that set you apart from everyone else was that you were best friends with the Boy Who Lived and the smartest witch in her class. .how you thought that I could never love you, not the way you wanted me to.  
  
It hurt. I sat with you through each of the sessions. You didn't want to be alone and we thought that it would be easier on you. It probably was. But it was hard on me. It hurt to know that I didn't realize that all these things were going on in your head. It hurt to know that I, the person who loves you most, was the cause of so much of your anguish.  
  
Those months were tough but you have come so far. I like to think that I had something to do with it yet I know that you could have done it alone. You are that strong a person. I have faith in you, faith that you are beginning to realize for yourself. You are one of the strongest people I know. Not just anyone could have stood up to Voldemort the way that you did, especially considering your feelings of self at the time.  
  
What amazed me the most about those sessions was the depth of your feelings for me, your family, Hermione, even Sirius who you cared so deeply for just because I love him.  
  
Those people that didn't understand what you were going though also didn't understand why I 'put' up with it. They did not, could not, understand why I stood by you when you were going through this. They must not have know how many times you stood by me, no questions asked, just because I needed you to be there. They did not know of the depth of love between us.  
  
They said I was strong. That I was holding you up. They were wrong. You were the strong one. You overcame the pain that was holding you. I did not hold you up; I helped you to regain that sense of self worth that you had lost. I helped you to find yourself again, as you would have helped me.  
  
As we lay in our bed, in our flat, I realize how lucky we are to have each other. I realize how lucky I am that I didn't have to go through what Oliver did. I'm glad that you hadn't progressed as far as Percy. You didn't get as far as Percy; you didn't start to hurt yourself. I've seen the scars on his skin and I imagine them on your pale arms or legs or torso.  
  
I guess what I have unconsciously tightened my arms around your body as you have begun to stir. You blink, trying to place exactly where you are. Your sleepy eyes focus on my face and smile. You ask what I'm thinking. I lean down and brush a kiss over your forehead. I tell you how I've been thinking how lucky we were. You tell me how you think that you are the luckiest person ever. after all you got the 'Boy Who Lived'. I teasingly pull your hair. You pull me down for a kiss and the rest of life becomes secondary.  
  
******  
  
Gez, that was harder than I thought that it would be. For those you who don't know the stories I alluded to were Knowing, The Loneliness that No One Knows, Wonder and maybe After Hogwarts. You can read these at either my website http://www.geocities.com/sydneydavis2004/warningpage.html or at ff.net. Reviews are requested and encouraged. 


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